My Dad..... Missing Him

This has been a very hard week for me to write.  I've been going through alot of stuff and I wasn't sure how it would all come out.  I was really afraid of things getting to emotional and me just spewing stuff everywhere.

I guess I will start my dad... it was his birthday this week... I was afraid that if I let any feelings out they would just rage out of control.  I wish that my dad was here this year so that I could wish him a happy birthday, to share with him that he has a new great grandchild named Tristen and a new son-in-law named Travis.  I would also want him to know that Audrey is going to give him another great grandchild.  I wish I could share about my aching heart, about the confusion that comes with the Orchard Way House being completed. I really believed that we would all be back together as a family as the house neared completion. So much sadness for me, also I guess rejection.  Dad I miss you and I need you in my life.  I want to be able to talk to you about all of the confusion that swarms around me when it comes to my relationship with Bob.  I'm trying very hard to honor God in this relationship    I just feel like the devil jumps in and makes a mess of things.

I'm struggling.... not knowing which was to turn.  I want to make wise and loving choices.  GOD help me.

Soon the anniversary of my dad's death will come upon me.  I'm not ready for that at all.  I'm praying God will lead me in the right direction, cause I feel very lost and alone in this. 

I think, yet I know that God and His love and His wisdom will see me through this.  He will love me, love me enough, love me more than enough.  help me Jesus, because I am afraid.

Growing up and moving on.....

It's very hard watching our kids make mistakes.  I'm tempted to jump in and fix it.  I've found that when I have done that I've robbed them of the experience of making their own choices and living their own lives.  I really have not helped at all.  It's painful to not be able to save them from being hurt or making choices that I feel will hurt them later on.  I guess my role is to love them and support them.  To let go enough for them to stand on their own two feet and walk towards their future.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I want to celebrate my dads life... tomorrow is his birthday.  I miss him very much and I wish that he was here so that I could tell him that I love him and that I'm glad he is my dad.  Time is something that we have no control over.  I have learned that each day is special and should be cherished.  Somethings we don't get the chance to do over. I'm going to focus on the positive memories that I have of my dad.  I going to think about the things that make me smile. Happy Birthday dad.... I love you!

My wish......

uuhhhhhh..... that's suppose to be a heavy sigh.  To want my family to be whole again.  Whole does not necessarily mean (whole = together living under one roof, not it).  Maybe whole is the wrong word.  Perhaps healed, unified, and there for each other, no matter where we are.  We have changed in a lot of ways over the past several years.  Some have moved out into the world on their own, exploring life, some in college, some embarking upon relationships and  all moving forward in their own way.  Some are growing up, working, planning their futures, going to school and pressing on forward making their mark on the world. Others in the family are working towards and coming closer to the end of a chapter in their lives, finishing high school, what an awesome time.  The rest are working hard at school, exploring friendships, learning about love, having fun learning new things each day and practicing growing up. When I step back and look at the big picture, we are a family of many personalities, thoughts and emotions. I'm praying that God will put His loving hands on us all and provide all that is necessary for us to be unified and healed.  To be able to have everyone together and for it to be a time of laughter, love and the chance to make new memories.  That's my wish for today....

Today is a new day!

Thank God that each day is a new beginning, a fresh start.  Yesterday is just that.... it's yesterday.  There is nothing we can do about what is in the past.  But we do have the ability to make a difference in the future. 

Feeling alone.

What happens when we feel alone?  When we reach out and open up to someone to only have them turn around and walk away.  To be let down by someone we love and trust.  To feel abandoned and heartbroken.  For me it brings back some very sad and overwhelming memories.  I thought it would be different now, that someone was there and was going to be beside me.  I realize that I wanted something so much that I was willing to sacrifice some very essential and important things that belong in a healthy relationship.  I was also willing to sacrifice what I know is right and go along with something I know is wrong.  In these very sad and dark moments I felt something, I felt someone.... I have a Heavenly Father that I can turn to, that I can relax in his safe arms and feel a love that is unending and unwavering.  This is a feeling and experience that comes only through a relationship with Jesus.  Today, right now, in this moment, I know that I am loved and accepted and that I will never be alone, no matter what happens.

Wiser Tomorrow

He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes, will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today. --Tryon Edwards

My prayer is that I will be wiser tomorrow than I am today.  That I will grow and learn and be able to admit when I am wrong.  I realize that it is not a weakness to say I'm sorry, I was wrong.  I think it is essential to relationships in my life that I am willing to change my opinion, or at least be open to the opinions of others.  Perhaps I need to work on putting aside what I want and put someone Else's needs first.  In all honesty I think that this is something that I wish someone would also do for me.  Perhaps that is the key, relationships need for people on both sides to be willing to compromise, to put the other person first, to be willing to put aside what we want to help the other person know how important they are. I'm praying that God will help me make wise choices and help me work on being the woman He created me to be.   

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy"

I found this quote and it made me smile.  It made me think of both my mom and dad who have both passed away.  I miss my mom and wish that she could be here to see her grand kids and great grand kids, and to share in my life.  For along time now I have been sad and have struggled with my dad's death.  It is still something I can't understand and it still makes me very sad and even angry.  But this quote helped me look at death from a different perspective.  I like the idea that even though people we love are not here with us on earth, that we can look up and feel their love.

I want to be....

I want to be better at listening.  To hear what is being said to me, not being so busy doing other things.  I want to let that person who's talking to me know that what they are saying is important.  I think sometimes I am afraid to be to close to people and that stops me from connecting and really hearing them.  I will work on this because it's important for the relationships in my life.  I will listen more.... and hear what is being said.

Moving Forward

A mountain is really just a bunch of small stones.  Sometimes it seems huge and impossible to climb.  But I'm finding that if I just move one stone at a time, the mountain gets smaller.  I know every step forward takes me closer to the other side.