My Dad..... Missing Him

This has been a very hard week for me to write.  I've been going through alot of stuff and I wasn't sure how it would all come out.  I was really afraid of things getting to emotional and me just spewing stuff everywhere.

I guess I will start my dad... it was his birthday this week... I was afraid that if I let any feelings out they would just rage out of control.  I wish that my dad was here this year so that I could wish him a happy birthday, to share with him that he has a new great grandchild named Tristen and a new son-in-law named Travis.  I would also want him to know that Audrey is going to give him another great grandchild.  I wish I could share about my aching heart, about the confusion that comes with the Orchard Way House being completed. I really believed that we would all be back together as a family as the house neared completion. So much sadness for me, also I guess rejection.  Dad I miss you and I need you in my life.  I want to be able to talk to you about all of the confusion that swarms around me when it comes to my relationship with Bob.  I'm trying very hard to honor God in this relationship    I just feel like the devil jumps in and makes a mess of things.

I'm struggling.... not knowing which was to turn.  I want to make wise and loving choices.  GOD help me.

Soon the anniversary of my dad's death will come upon me.  I'm not ready for that at all.  I'm praying God will lead me in the right direction, cause I feel very lost and alone in this. 

I think, yet I know that God and His love and His wisdom will see me through this.  He will love me, love me enough, love me more than enough.  help me Jesus, because I am afraid.

Growing up and moving on.....

It's very hard watching our kids make mistakes.  I'm tempted to jump in and fix it.  I've found that when I have done that I've robbed them of the experience of making their own choices and living their own lives.  I really have not helped at all.  It's painful to not be able to save them from being hurt or making choices that I feel will hurt them later on.  I guess my role is to love them and support them.  To let go enough for them to stand on their own two feet and walk towards their future.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I want to celebrate my dads life... tomorrow is his birthday.  I miss him very much and I wish that he was here so that I could tell him that I love him and that I'm glad he is my dad.  Time is something that we have no control over.  I have learned that each day is special and should be cherished.  Somethings we don't get the chance to do over. I'm going to focus on the positive memories that I have of my dad.  I going to think about the things that make me smile. Happy Birthday dad.... I love you!

My wish......

uuhhhhhh..... that's suppose to be a heavy sigh.  To want my family to be whole again.  Whole does not necessarily mean (whole = together living under one roof, not it).  Maybe whole is the wrong word.  Perhaps healed, unified, and there for each other, no matter where we are.  We have changed in a lot of ways over the past several years.  Some have moved out into the world on their own, exploring life, some in college, some embarking upon relationships and  all moving forward in their own way.  Some are growing up, working, planning their futures, going to school and pressing on forward making their mark on the world. Others in the family are working towards and coming closer to the end of a chapter in their lives, finishing high school, what an awesome time.  The rest are working hard at school, exploring friendships, learning about love, having fun learning new things each day and practicing growing up. When I step back and look at the big picture, we are a family of many personalities, thoughts and emotions. I'm praying that God will put His loving hands on us all and provide all that is necessary for us to be unified and healed.  To be able to have everyone together and for it to be a time of laughter, love and the chance to make new memories.  That's my wish for today....

Today is a new day!

Thank God that each day is a new beginning, a fresh start.  Yesterday is just that.... it's yesterday.  There is nothing we can do about what is in the past.  But we do have the ability to make a difference in the future. 

Feeling alone.

What happens when we feel alone?  When we reach out and open up to someone to only have them turn around and walk away.  To be let down by someone we love and trust.  To feel abandoned and heartbroken.  For me it brings back some very sad and overwhelming memories.  I thought it would be different now, that someone was there and was going to be beside me.  I realize that I wanted something so much that I was willing to sacrifice some very essential and important things that belong in a healthy relationship.  I was also willing to sacrifice what I know is right and go along with something I know is wrong.  In these very sad and dark moments I felt something, I felt someone.... I have a Heavenly Father that I can turn to, that I can relax in his safe arms and feel a love that is unending and unwavering.  This is a feeling and experience that comes only through a relationship with Jesus.  Today, right now, in this moment, I know that I am loved and accepted and that I will never be alone, no matter what happens.

Wiser Tomorrow

He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes, will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today. --Tryon Edwards

My prayer is that I will be wiser tomorrow than I am today.  That I will grow and learn and be able to admit when I am wrong.  I realize that it is not a weakness to say I'm sorry, I was wrong.  I think it is essential to relationships in my life that I am willing to change my opinion, or at least be open to the opinions of others.  Perhaps I need to work on putting aside what I want and put someone Else's needs first.  In all honesty I think that this is something that I wish someone would also do for me.  Perhaps that is the key, relationships need for people on both sides to be willing to compromise, to put the other person first, to be willing to put aside what we want to help the other person know how important they are. I'm praying that God will help me make wise choices and help me work on being the woman He created me to be.   

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy"

I found this quote and it made me smile.  It made me think of both my mom and dad who have both passed away.  I miss my mom and wish that she could be here to see her grand kids and great grand kids, and to share in my life.  For along time now I have been sad and have struggled with my dad's death.  It is still something I can't understand and it still makes me very sad and even angry.  But this quote helped me look at death from a different perspective.  I like the idea that even though people we love are not here with us on earth, that we can look up and feel their love.

I want to be....

I want to be better at listening.  To hear what is being said to me, not being so busy doing other things.  I want to let that person who's talking to me know that what they are saying is important.  I think sometimes I am afraid to be to close to people and that stops me from connecting and really hearing them.  I will work on this because it's important for the relationships in my life.  I will listen more.... and hear what is being said.

Moving Forward

A mountain is really just a bunch of small stones.  Sometimes it seems huge and impossible to climb.  But I'm finding that if I just move one stone at a time, the mountain gets smaller.  I know every step forward takes me closer to the other side. 

A friend!

A Friend Should be Radical

They should love you when your unlovable

Hug you when your unhuggable

And bear you when your unbearable

A friend should be fanatical

They should cheer when the whole world boos

Dance when you get good news

And cry when you cry too

But most of all, a friend should be mathematical

They should multiply your joy

Divide your sorrow

Subtract the past

and add to your tomorrow

calculate the need deep in your heart

and always be  bigger than the sum as all your parts.

Author Unknown

The beauty of Rain

One of nature's gifts is the silence that follows rain.  Tranquility is the refreshing feeling that comes after the rain fades away.  The clean crisp silence that transcends as the storm calms. The smell of clean air and leaves on the trees that glisten as if tear drops have landed there for a moment to rest before they slide back into the earth..  It's beautiful when it rains and the sun is shining.  A mixture of two different seasons.  Then there is the rainbow that forms over the horizon.  An optical phenomenon where strobes of beautiful colors stream across the sky. All of this is a part of God's beautiful creation.

Healing a broken heart!

I'm at that vulnerable spot, where I open up, take a risk, ask for someone to listen to my heart.  My heart is overflowing with a piercing and unrelenting pain.  I'm filled with uncertainty.  I have to ask myself, was that wise?  Taking the risk?  Well.... I must say that I'm feeling exposed and not knowing if I'll get a response.  I yearn for that special someone to rise up and meet me half way.  Tears roll down my cheek as I contemplate how this will turn out.  Hum.... as I think more deeply about my situation I realize that i might be asking the wrong person to hear my heart.  There is someone I can go to, no matter what my burden is.  Whether it's forgiveness I'm seeking, love that I'm yearning for, or relief from the knowledge that I can't fix this problem on my own.  Whatever it is, whatever question I may need to ask, whatever I'm seeking; Jesus is there, waiting.  All I need to do is tell Him, in the prayers of my heart, and He will be there to listen, to comfort and He will hold me in His loving arms, even filling that whole in my heart where just moments ago I felt so empty. 

Fun Times!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Calling on Jesus!

Sometimes my emotions can be my downfall.  All in one day I can experience sadness, happiness,  anger, joy, fear, and lonliness.  I often feel uncertain and confused.  Sometimes I'm just scrambling to gather my thoughts.  Somedays I feel lost, rushing around in a panic.  Many times I feeled pulled in some many directions.  Then I remember to call out to the one who can calm my heart and my very soul.  I can lift up my heart and praise the name of Jesus.  Asking  Him for strength, courage and peace that only He can provide.  I can follow Him fearlessly down a path that is good and wonderful. No matter what, God is there to lead us along, all we have to do is ask.

Yesterday vs Tomorrow

Sometimes I find myself caught up in the memories from my past.  Some of those memories are sweet and some hold alot of pain.  I think it's possible to allow ourselves in get stuck in the past.  For me I know that for along time I allowed my past to invade my  everyday life.  I missed out on some really great times and even some relationships.  Leaving the past behind can be a real challenge.  For me I thought that meant saying it never happened, or maybe that "it wasn't that bad".  That's not what it means.  I had to acknowledge the hurt and pain and walk through it to get to the other side.  That is where I began to find healing.  I'm still in the process of taking each of those hurtful times and placing them at the feet of Jesus.  There are those days, where I try to take them back, make them mine again, but I'm finding that's not the answer.  I also kept waiting for the people who hurt me to come and say they were sorry.  I told myself that when they did that I would feel better.  What happens if they never say they are sorry?  Does that mean I'm destined to be burdened by the past forever?  I don't think that is what Jesus ever intended for our lives.  I had to be secure in the knowledge that He loves me and that he can heal any pain no matter how big or how small.  That is enough for me.  There are still times when I deeply want someone to say that they are sorry for hurting me.  But that is their stuff to deal with in their own time and own way.  I know I want to move forward and the only way for me to do that is to step out of the shadows of my past and walk into the light of my wonderful future.  I know who will be holding my hand the whole way, my Heavenly Father.

Leap of Faith

Today was one of those days where my heart was hurt.  I opened myself up and trusted.  With that comes the risk of being let down.  I don't think we can truly live life without taking some risks.  It's not a perfect world and people are only human.  The only way we learn is by practice.  Relationships are hard and come with many complexities.  As I read the scripture below it helped me to relax and realize that I could trust in my faith, the faith I have in my Jesus.  Sure I will be hurt, or disappointed, but by taking the risk I also get a chance at love, friendship and fellowship.  I'm going to pray that He will light the path for my feet that He has choosen for me.  I'm going to trust my God and take a leap of faith.

Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You. Psalm 143: 8

HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER - AMEN!

Give thanks to the LORD for He is good, His love endures forever.  This is a powerful song and praise used throughout the bible.  I searched to find out how many times this phrase is used in God's word.  It would appear that it is used at least 41 times.  Psalms 136 ends each verse with the phrase, "His love endures forever". As the Psalm progresses it speaks to me like that of a history lesson.  Walking through time and describing  events from the dividing of the Red Sea, to where great kings were struck down to the inheritance that Israel received. For me that each event ends in the phrase, HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER  it shows us the magnitude of our Lords love for us. No matter what event in our life, no matter the circumstance, this love does not change, it is faithful and strong throughout all times.   Psalm 100:5 talks of  unyielding love that stands firm despite circumstances. How wonderful, how awesome, how powerful is the love of our Lord. The best part of this is; NOTHING can separate us from the love of our Father.

If only I had someone else's life!

I was contemplating how much easier life would be if I could just be someone else. How there would be less stress and no more problems if I could completely take over the identity of another. I decided that if this were possible I would become a monkey.

• Monkey’s never catch colds. I hate when my nose gets all red and yucky from blowing it so many times.


• Monkey’s live and travel in groups. I’d never have to be alone.


• The tip of a spider monkeys tail can support the weight of his entire body weight. I’d love to just hang upside down all day.


• Monkey’s express affection and make peace by grooming each other. I would never have to comb my own hair again. Everyday would be a good hair day.·


• Howler Monkey’s spend up to 80% of their time resting. I could sure some extra sleep.
  

However as I think about what my day as a monkey might be like. I am reminded that monkey’s generally don’t like to be touched. I would really miss getting hugs from my kids and my wonderful friends. Often we think that someone’s else’s life would be preferable to our own. Often the hunt for perfection can take over our lives. Perfection is not ours to have, at least not for now. The good news is that "some way cool stuff" is on the way. One day all evil will be banished, taking away that which is not perfect. Roman’s 8:28 is my “good news” verse. It does not promise perfection but does provide hope and optimism. It says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose". God intended for me to be me, that was his plan. I have to trust that he will get me through each day just being who he created me to be. I know He has a purpose for me, one I may not understand or even be able to fully imagine. But in His time and in His way His purpose will be realized.

Grace for today

O, God give me grace for today. I'm not looking to take care of next week, nor tomorrow, just this one day. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to fix everything and everyone, that I miss out on the chance to just sit with today. Guide my thoughts Lord and bless each one. Bless each word that I utter today. Let it be a refelction of You and Your love. May my words spread kindness and warmth. Please guide my actions, help me to reach out to Your people, especially those who have not met you yet. May something I say or do plant a seed that will grow into a wonderment of You and the supreme sacrifice that You made for us all. Heavenly Father for today, for this moment, help me to live generously, graciously, & kindly. I pray Father that anyone looking upon me would see your arm stretched out offerring love and acceptance.

New Life

The miracle of life is amazing. God's design is awesome. How in just a second of time a new life enters this world. Beautiful, perfect, sweet, splendid. Just as God intended for it to be from the very beginning of time. I am in awe of the gifts God allows us to have in our lives. I am thankful for each and every gift He has given me.

Promises

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praise worthy-think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)

That is my prayer for today.... that I focus on God's promises and how very much he loves me. He has promised to take care of me and to meet my needs. What a wonderful heavenly Father He is.

Our God is Awesome!

God can do anything.. far more than we could ever imagine or guess or request in our wildest dreams. He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently witin us.

Prescription for Stress

It's reported that Americans consume about three tons of aspirin a day. Wow that equals alot of stress and pain. I used to think that stress came only with major life events, the death of someone you love, relationships that end or become fractured, or perhaps a serious illness. But really our everyday lives can result in stress. Trying to meet the expectations of everyone we love, or perhaps it's as simple as just getting all the kids where they need to be in one day, there are so many aspects of life that can be stressful. Often stress leads to pain, sadness and even illness. There is a prescription for stress, Jesus says to us "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest", what a comfort to know that we can give it all to Him. He is there to catch us, to lighten our load, to love us with a love that is unlimited. Praise Jesus.

Blind Spots

WE all have blind spots. Not fuzzy or dim spots. Fuzzy spots are those spots that we are not clear about. We know they are there, we just can't quite get what they are about or for that matter how to make them go away. Blind spots are different, these are areas we do not even see at all. We are not denying them, because we don't even know they are there. I thought I was aware of all parts of my being. But I'm finding there are some secret areas that have mysteries that need to be solved, and I can not solve them on our own. I'm in the dark as to what is there, and I think the only way to "see" is with the help of others. I think it's time for me to take inventory and hold my life up to the light of truth and begin to see what is there. Lord help me open my life up to you and see all that you want me to see.

Cherishing The Simple Things

Life gets so busy, we are occupied with the everyday things that take up our day. It's up in the morning, off to work, kids off to school, going to doctors appointments, getting the kids home from school. Then there's the hours of homework, dinner to fix, baths for the kids, laundry, housework, bedtime and then we get up again in the morning and do it all over again. Sometimes in the midst of my being busy, I lose track of the small things. Those moments that we cherish as parents. This week I have been blessed to have two of my teenage age daughters hang out with me. Something as simple as a long walk together, spending time walking and talking. Learning about their lives and what makes them happy and even what makes them sad. I feel very blessed that in their busy lives they chose to spend time with me. These are the times in our lives to make memories, ones that we can cherish forever.

Growing God's Way

When we pray we ask for many things, patience, peace, wisdom, help for a loved one, amoung many others. Then things begin to happen and change. Some catch us off guard, some we had never thought of or planned on. God comes in altering our world, what we value may change, relationships are restructured, our desires may be different, we may even find that our priorities are different. hum.... God grows us up in His own way, and sometimes it can be painful other times quite joyful.

When Life let's you down.

It happens.... life does let us down. People let us down. But thank God that our heavenly Father is right there beside us, never leaving us. Sometimes life hands us some situations that are filled with heartache, confusion, loss and the inevitable feeling that our life is spiraling out of control. For me I get all caught up in the woulda, coulda, shoulda merry go round, add in a heaping dose of guilt and I'm down for the count. But today I'm claiming the wonderful victory that is mine through the love of God. I'm handing Him my burden for it is very heavy and I know that should I continue to carry this on my own, I will falter. Already I feel a million pounds lighter and I trust my Lord to know just what I need.

It's been Awhile!

Alot has happened in my life over the last several years. I stopped writing in this blog becuase I had told myself that I had nothing worthy to say. Well I guess I was right. I don't on my own have any magic words or profound thoughts. However, I'm praying that through me God can use this as a voice for His kingdom and for those who love the Lord. There must be other moms and wives who are struggling just like me.

Lately alot of not so great things have happened in my life. I've been faced with losing some very important people. Relationships are changing, some for the better and some that will never be the same again and will forever remain altered. Right now the situation seems bleak and on some days even impossible. I feel as though I'm in jeopardy of losing someone I love very much. I have to ask, how does God view my plight? Silly me I forget that He is right there beside me walking with me on my journey. He sees all and He knows all. It's me that's kinda short of information. I thought about the passage listed below from Psalms 31and I realized that as bad as my life seems right now there are many people out there who's hardships are much greater than mine. David experienced a great deal of distress in his life. At times he tried to "Handle" it, but he always returned to the truth that he believed to the core of his being, God was in charge of his life, and he knew he could trust God. There are to many times that I turn something over to God only to take it back at the first sign of trouble. I pray Lord that I can be more like David and never hold on to long.. and that I committ my circumstances and my concerns and my very life into your care. "Into your hands I committ my spirit" Ps 31:5; Lk 23:46

Psalms 31 9-16
Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress.My eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning.My strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.I am the utter contempt of my neighbors.I am a dread to my friends-- those who see me on the street flee from me.I am forgotten by them as though I were dead.I hear the slander of many.There is terror on every side.They conspire against me and plot to take my life.But I trust in you, O LORD.I say, "You are my God."My times are in your hands.Deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.Let your face shine on your servant.Save me in your unfailing love.Ps 31.9-16